Parents are rarely able to digest the fact of a failed marriage among their children. It took us a long time to accept this, and even longer to tell our daughter to go ahead with the divorce. I remember agonising over our decision to finally send her an e-mail saying that it was time she ended the marriage. The physical act of writing that email was somehow the hardest thing we had ever done. We realised only later that for a long time she had been waiting for us to say yes, before she took the decision. We now regret having made her wait so long.
Most parents react to a situation like this by initially feeling that maybe they had gone wrong somewhere. Maybe they did not teach their children the correct values in life. Maybe they made them too independent. This is normally followed by a defensive stand. As soon as friends and relatives find out, parents go into a defensive mode. All kinds of reasonings are given. All relatives offer advice, all offer sympathy and commiseration. It takes courage to stand up and say "our child did nothing wrong. She/he tried hard but it was not possible to continue living unhappily." It is our attitude as parents that determines the reactions of our friends and relatives. We still think our ex-son-in-law is a great guy. But then so is our daughter, but they were not meant to be with each other.
In India, societal norms seem to govern our attitudes more than anything else. But now society is beginning to accept divorce as a part of life and fewer eyebrows are raised. As I said earlier, it is how you react to the divorce that governs how your friends will react to it. Stand up for your child, not arrogantly or belligerently but with confidence. They need your more than ever at this time, even though they may not say so. They need a backrest and the knowledge that they always have your support.
There were no financial issues in our case, since our daughter was earning much more than he was, and the house was in her name. We were more worried about her having to give him alimony, but fortunately they settled it amicably between themselves.
- Mridula Murgai, Delhi.